I went to the farmers market this morning and every time I go I’m struck by how everyone there seems to go feeble as soon as they enter. I find it weird since DC is full of hyper-intelligent, Type A people but when confronted with farm fresh produce it’s as though they’ve never seen an apple in their life. I wanted to get something from a particular stall that had a long line to get near the counter and when the woman in front of me made it to the counter she just gazed lazily at everything, as though bored with it all. They offered to help but nope, she just wanted to look for right now. Didn’t try the samples, didn’t touch anything, just kept half-looking and didn’t move when people reached across her to grab something. Lady, it’s ten people deep behind you, now’s not the time to figure out if you left the oven on before you left the house.
This isn’t just me, is it? Surely most people recognize that there are places where, as soon as someone enters, brain function ceases. I call these places Spheres of Stupidity and there seem to be major patterns that occur when people enter them. First, people forget that there are other people around, often leading to strange maneuvers with total disregard for anyone else. They also move slower, generally taking on a molasses-in-winter speed in all actions (including decision-making and reactions to other things going on around them). Finally, the sphere leads to quick-to-anger reflexes at seemingly no one in particular, like a neanderthal who gets hit in head with a coconut and starts to roar and bash everything around him. Or like this panda who fell from a tree.
As resident curmudgeon, I feel like it’s my duty to list some of these Spheres of Stupidity for you so that you can strategically approach these places knowing full well you’re in the company of the obtuse.
1. Highway interchanges. My god do people ever get more dumb then when they have to figure out which side of the freeway they need to be on in order to go in the correct direction? Everyone slows down, eventually some Nobel prize winner tries to cut over four lanes of traffic at the last minute when he realizes he’s going the wrong way and everyone hates everyone and lashes out like a moron. I can’t think of a better example of a sphere of stupidity. (Major offenders: the 270 interchange, the Mixing Bowl, Rock Creek Parkway)
2. Stores (or other opportunities for shopping, such as the farmers market). Generally the larger the scale of the store, the higher the level of stupidity. People in a Costco are dumber than people in a boutique. Which is why malls are the worst example as it pools together a huge number of stores and lets people wander among them as though in a field of branded flowers. I’ve always said there’s one thing that Americans do slowly, and it is shop. We drive like maniacs (except when we get near an interchange) and snarf down food like a dog but hot damn we’re gonna take some time to really noodle over these various consumer products. THESE EARRINGS ARE IMPORTANT. And then in all the excitement of seeing every possible item in a store, people are usually knocking into other people, stepping on others’ toes and generally acting the fool. And then we put it all on our credit cards. SEE. Stupid. (Major offenders: malls, places like farmers and flea markets, grocery stores)
3. While interacting with a cellphone. While this is more an ephemeral sphere of stupidity, there’s no doubt that as soon as someone starts engaging with their phone, they’re dumb. We all recognize how bad this is, given how much we hate driving and phone use. But this extends to even those not operating motor vehicles. You’ve seen it happen, you’re out having a nice conversation when someone whips out their iPhone and goes catatonic on you, leaving you basically talking to yourself. When I observe people who try to walk and talk at the same time, it’s as though something about the signal in a cell phone deactivates any spatial ability in a person and suddenly they are weaving all over the sidewalk like a daytime drunk. Have you ever noticed how sometimes you’re talking to someone and their phone rings, their eyes glaze over and they’re no longer present? It’s like the little bell that sets off a hypnotized person, but instead of suddenly clucking like a chicken they’re counting down the seconds until it’s okay for them to just check who called without looking like an asshole. And just try to call someone out on it. Defense City; That Jerkstore On a Phone, Mayor. (Major offenders: every human on the planet)
4. Self-checkout. It’s really not that hard, people. I mean, really. There’s a reason you think you should have a better job than a store check-out clerk and that’s because IT IS NOT THAT HARD. The system is the exact same as the ones the clerks are doing and surely you’ve seen how that works right? RIGHT? And even worse, you are being verbally guided! The machine talks to you while you do this! It tells you the exact steps you need to complete a transaction and yet self-checkout out completely befuddles masses of people. I don’t even bother with it anymore. It’s faster to just go through the lines with the clerks, even when people in front of you have whole cartloads of stuff. (To be fair, the only person lashing out irrationally is me. God nothing angers me like watching people use the self-checkout).
I think that covers it but please tell me if I’m missing any. I should mention that while this sounds very bitter and people-hatey, I’m just as susceptible to dumb behavior as the rest of the masses. For example, this morning I bought a $33 4lb piece of pork belly at the farmers market. That’s way more than I would normally spend and more pork belly than I will ever need in a lifetime but I was in the Sphere of Stupidity! My brain wasn’t on.
3. Staub 6.5 qt Dutch Oven. I’ve been wanting a dutch oven for a long time because I’ve been craving stews and short ribs and I heard you can bake a mean bread in a cast iron dutch oven. And I can use it on the stovetop too. Also it’s so pretty. Basically this thing is going to make my life 114% more delicious. I’ve already made short ribs and I loved them. Next I plan to do a big ole pot of homemade bolognese during Snow Storm: The Reckoning 2010. Oh, and I got the fancy name brand one because I’m a label whore and I had a gift card.